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Brother John said, "Hard Bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the
Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the Chief
Priest. "You may say another two words, Brother John."
"Cold Food." Said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him
that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again
called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I Quit," said Brother John.
"It is probably best," said the Chief Priest.
"You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
Some actual product warning labels:
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)
On a New Zealand insect spray
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM
>UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Make sense...except these instructions we're IN THE
BOX!
In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of
Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.
On a Sears hairdryer
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
( Now THAT I'd like to see! )
On a bag of Fritos
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS
INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP
(And that would be how?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of thebox)
* DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(oops...Too late! You lose!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with mykids?
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY
(As opposed to what...use in outer space?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm sure glad they cleared that up.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR
GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY
That's right, destroy a >universal childhood fantasy!
There's this guy Jack, who has a
girlfriend, Wendy, who he loves a lot.
To prove how much he loves her, he gets
"Wendy" tattooed on his penis.
When it's erect, it says her name
and when deflated, it reads "Wy".
When she sees her name on his
masculine member, she is overwhelmed. Jack
pops the question to her, she accepts and
off they go to Jamaica on their
honeymoon!Once there, they try
out all the local culture, including a nudebeach.
They are having a great time, when Jack
decides to get up from sun bathing, and get something to drink at the
beach bar. He walks over to the bar with his deflated love muscle,
trying not to let his eyewander and embarrass himself! He orders a
drink from the native at that barwho is also naked. He is surprised to note that
the bartender alsohas "Wy" tattooed on his penis! Jack says to the guy, "Wow,
what acoincidence, your girlfriend is named "Wendy" and you have her name
tattooed onyour> > private too!!!" The bartender looks slowly down at
Jack's thing, back to his face and
starts laughing! Flashing a wide
grin, he says, "No mon. Mine says,
"Welcome to Jamaica, Have a nice day".